What to Expect at an Ethical Sex Party (And Why It Might Change Your Life)
Let's talk about something most people are curious about but too afraid to Google.
Sex parties have a reputation problem. The cultural image is either a dark, eyes-wide-shut mystery ritual or a free-for-all with zero structure and zero care. As an intimacy coach, I hear the curiosity all the time, whispered at the end of sessions or tucked into DMs. And I get it, because I had the same questions before I went to my first one.
What I found surprised me. And it changed the way I think about desire, connection, and what it means to feel truly free in your own body.
On a recent episode of Sex Ritual Radio on KXFM, I sat down with Michael Hollis, the founder and creative director of The Play LA, one of the most intentional and artistically alive erotic communities in the country. What Michael has built is unlike anything I have encountered in my years as an intimacy coach, and I want to share what I learned with you.
What an Ethical Play Party Actually Is
A play party is a sex party. Let's just say that out loud. People go to explore, connect, and yes, sometimes have sex. But the word "ethical" changes everything about what that looks like in practice.
At The Play, the experience begins long before you walk through the door. There is an application. Then an interview, either in person or over video, where the team asks about how you express and receive consent. And before you are invited, you are required to submit recent STI testing results. As far as Michael knows, The Play is the only large scale ticketed event in the country that requires this.
That alone signals something important: this space takes you seriously.
The Three Rules That Set the Tone
No phones. No money. No hierarchy.
When I heard Michael lay these out, I felt something settle in me. Because what those three rules do is strip away every social performance we normally use to navigate a room. There is no VIP section. There is no one buying drinks to create a transaction. There is no scrolling away from discomfort.
You just have to be you. And you have to be kind. As Michael says, kindness is the currency.
How Safety Gets Built Into Every Layer
One of the things I love most about The Play is that safety is not just a word they use. It is a system.
When you arrive, there is a dedicated happy hour window for integration. The bar closes halfway through the night so consent is always coming from a clear state. The consent conversation is detailed, specific, and celebratory. If someone says no to you, the encouraged response is: "Thank you for taking care of yourself." Not rejection. Acknowledgment.
The six foot rule means that if you are within that radius of anyone engaged in play, you ask before you watch. Because being watched is its own form of participation and everyone deserves to choose it.
There is also an intimacy coordinator, a harm reduction specialist, and an RN present at every event. An anonymous incident report form goes out after every party, and anything involving leadership goes directly to a third party so Michael himself can be held accountable.
I have experienced more boundary violations at bars than I have ever experienced at a play party. That is not an exaggeration.
The Part That Actually Transforms People
After the consent talk, guests participate in an intimacy exercise called DIBS: Desires, Intentions, Boundaries, and Sexuality. You eye gaze with four strangers for thirty seconds each, and on the fourth person, you share your DIBS out loud.
I once shared that my desire was to have a threesome with two men. I said it out loud to a near stranger. And later that evening, someone I had connected with during the exercise approached me and asked if I would welcome him joining a scene I was already in. He remembered what I had said. That is how desire works when it is spoken clearly and received without shame.
The eye gazing alone is something most people have not done in years, if ever. Two straight men holding eye contact, actually seeing each other, sometimes breaking down in tears. Women finally having a space where their erotic expression is celebrated instead of managed. People in their first party who do not play at all and just sit in awe, nervous systems slowly unwinding across eight or twelve hours.
This is what ethical erotic community looks like. It is not pornographic. It is nourishing.
Why I Send My Clients Here
When clients come to me working through shame around desire, recovering intimacy after years of disconnection, or stepping into a new chapter after a relationship ends, The Play is sometimes exactly what they need. Not because sex is the answer. But because being in a room full of people who are all practicing consent, vulnerability, and authentic expression is one of the most healing environments I have ever witnessed.
I have attended many of Michael's events as a single woman. I have felt safe every single time.
If you are curious and want support before attending, reach out. Part of my work as an intimacy coach is helping people navigate new experiences with intention and care.
Listen to the Full Conversation
This episode of Sex Ritual Radio goes deep. Michael and I talk about the power dynamics training his team goes through, the creative art installations that make The Play unlike anything else in Los Angeles, the community platform members have access to between events, and what is coming up in their 2025 season including a Renaissance Fair in Topanga Canyon and a Matrix themed night.
You can find Sex Ritual Radio on KXFM and wherever you listen to podcasts. And you can find The Play LA on Instagram at @theplayla or at theplayla.com.
Rose Heartsong is a certified intimacy coach and the host of Sex Ritual Radio. She works with couples, men, and women who are ready to stop performing and start living from desire. If you are curious about working together, you are warmly invited to apply at roseheartsong.com.
